When I was a senior in high school I took my first art class. It was a level 1 class so I was the only senior among a class room of freshman. (I had an idiot for a guidance counselor who encouraged me to take more "academic" courses early in high school despite my artistic predispositions.) While in that class I met a guy who I became really good friends with. His name is Justin.
Justin was an amazing artist. His work was very mature for his age, and his talent probably surpassed our teacher's, which was probably the reason our teacher harbored a bitter, jealous rage of his own. Justin didn't lose any sleep over that, though. He just kept painting, kept creating, and even in high school made significant bank selling his work. Even though I was an okay artist, I never had the drive or skill that Justin had, and as we grew older, I certainly didn't have the connections that served to open amazing doors for him professionally either.
It has been fifteen years since I first met Justin. Since that time Justin went to some of the best art schools in the country, studied art all over the world, hob nobbed with artists from all over the world, and eventually transferred his skill in painting and design into jewelry making. Justin is now the principle designer and founder of Subversive Jewelry. http://www.subversivejewelry.com/
His designs are poetic, lovely, mysterious, tragic and like nothing I've seen. Though his style of jewelry probably won't appeal to everyone, each work (in my opinion) seems to tell its own story, fusing beauty, history, glamor and the sublime-which is all so "Justin."
Justin's jewelry is worn by supermodels, is featured in fashion magazines, and is sold in L.A., N.Y., London, and Japan. The scrawny little freshman kid who used to draw obsessive pen drawings has certainly come along way.
He has come such along way in fact that recently, I have wantingly gazed at his website, longing to invest in one of his designs knowing that some of his necklaces cost as much as a full months salary for me. "What exactly am I doing wrong?" is a question that often pops into my head when I think about where my life, and my art is in comparison to Justin's. Then it hits me like a brick in the face... I am JEALOUS!
Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic for the success that Justin has worked so hard for, and I hope that he finds more, but it doesn't stop me from wondering why I can't be like him. Why can't I be focused enough, talented enough, motivated enough, or lucky enough to find a niche for myself and run with it? Right now I am supposed to be re-writing an 'Immigration and the American Church' paper that I bombed, when all I really want to do (at the moment) is go to a coffee shop, go salsa dancing or make purses, but I don't. Nor do I re-write my shit paper. Instead, I blog about how jealous I am of a friend who is (seemingly) living the glamorous life.
I want to be the one with the sweet ass apartment in Manhattan and the pressure and deadlines of "fashion week." But instead, I am still a goddam student living in student housing, stressing over research papers and school debt all so that I can end up with a degree that prepares/qualifies me to do shit I no longer want to do. Don't get me wrong, I chose where I am right now, and at one point this is what I truly wanted. But things have changed, I have changed, and I am realizing that things are not turning out the way I expected, and that has me a little disheveled, spiritually, creatively, and vocationally, which is probably why it is so easy for me to look at someone else and say, "I want what he's having!"
Even as I write this I wonder why I chose to include the theme of jealousy as a "Dissecting the Divine" topic. On some level I guess that my jealousy speaks to a larger issue: discontentment, and to me, discontentment is a spiritual issue. I also have a hard time separating what I should be "doing" with my life, from who I am. Some just do what they do, and that works for them. For some reason, when it comes to vocation, I have this cursed perspective that it should mean something, or it should "feel" right. I just can't do something that I don't love. I know such a perspective is proof of a privileged existence because most people in the world work to survive, period, and they don't have the options I have. There is little to no thought regarding how one's work provides existential fulfillment. I don't know, maybe I'm getting sidetracked from the initial topic, which was jealousy...so, back to the point...
I just think there is something fundamentally amiss when you painfully want something that someone else has, that is likely not in your reach. Maybe my jealousy is really an indication of the fear, excuses, laziness, and lack of self determination that lies at the root of why I don't have the life my friend Justin has. Who knows, maybe my friend thinks that the grass is greener on my side of the fence in my less than 200 sq. ft. on campus, seminary apartment. HA-yeah right.
Sometimes I think I am plagued with the desire to be or do something spectacular which is often crushed with a self perception of my own mediocrity.
If there is a God, this is when I would usually ask her, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE???? If she would only give me a clear answer, then I would know. I wouldn't pursue the wrong degree, or work toward meaningless ends, and most of all, I wouldn't get jealous of other people because I'd have the confidence of knowing my own path.
2 comments:
i can completely and totally appreciate (empathize might be a better word there..) the grass is greener mentality..i think its something i have been plagued with my entire life. affecting school, career, relationships, faith- you name it. and really the core of that, like you mentioned, is satisfaction. Good Lord-i'm a hott mess! ive seen enough therapists and talked to enough ppl to realize it is- and more likely will continue to be- an ongoing issue of mine. through my own pursuits, in figuring out what holds me back- i have learned (or am learning..its always in the process, isnt it!?), that its almost not "what am i going to do with my life" but more "how am i going to live my life". i like the difference in the language. one is passive, the other- active.
you are probably one of the most creative, motivated ppl i know. whether or not you feel it inside, know thats how you are viewed from the outside. i think there is more value to living through struggles than there is in living a 'glam' life- if that even exists..
Creative is to me as Wisdom is to you.
luv ya like a fat kid loves cake.
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