A few months ago I was shopping at Trader Joes and I ran into a male co-worker/friend. He asked if I had any fun plans for the weekend and I told him I had plans to work on a quilt I had been sewing, and that I was really excited about it.
He seemed amazed that I could sew, which is not an uncommon response. I guess most people have lost touch with the domestic arts. However, I did not expect to hear what followed next. The guy, out of nowhere asked, "So you sew huh?" "Yes," I said. Then he said, "I have a question to ask you that may seem inappropriate." "Okay," (I said, reluctantly.) "Do you sew your own thong underwear?"
That is literally the flow of the conversation. We went from granny squares, to not so granny underwears! I was so confused. Was he joking, was there some kind of inside joke we had that I forgotten? I couldn't figure it out. All I knew was that it made me feel very uncomfortable not only because of what he said, but how he said it, and the context surrounding it. Plain and simple, it was insulting on so many levels. I kept asking myself, would he ask me that question if his wife were standing here?
Mind you, I am a seminary student, and so is he. He may very likely be a pastor or a Christian therapist someday, and he is loosely going around asking women if they sew thong underwear? At first it doesn't seem like a major infraction, but it's definitely traveling down the road to creepy-town.
I was visibly thrown off by his comment to such a degree that he remarked, "I see I may have in fact said something inappropriate," but he said it as if it was funny. Then he went on to say that he tries to offend at least one person a month. I think this was his way of making light of the situation. I was not impressed. I kept my composure and humorous sensibilities and responded by reminding him that our interaction may be the subject of my next blog. His response, "haha, yeah, just don't use my name." My response, "Uh, I don't have a confidentiality clause...I use names." He looked nervous, laughed, and walked off.
I thought this whole interaction was so strange. Was I making too much out of it? Was there some kind of inside joke that made him say it, and I just couldn't remember it?
Now let me provide some background, normally he is a funny guy, very witty, sarcastic, and intelligent. I typically enjoy having conversations with him because he is a straight talker and he's entertaining. Even though he is married with three kids, I always looked at him as proof that there are good guys out there who are interesting, engaging, and not afraid to debate issues, all while maintaining a relatively normal/healthy marriage (by normal I do not mean perfect!). I have a professional friendship with him as well as his wife. ALL adding to my confusion.
Then I remembered a blog I wrote www.beautymarkmyword.blogspot.com back in March about a tragic digestive disaster I had on an airplane that cause me to soil myself while wearing a thong. (Disgusting, I know) I thought that HAD to be it!!! He must have read my blog and that is what he is referring to. I went home and quickly opened facebook, sent him a message..."Did you read my blog..." He wrote back, no, why?
It turned out he did not read my blog, he was just being a creepy asshole. I partially told him that his comment was inappropriate but I didn't really get into it with him. I just made a mental note that he was just like the rest of the assholes that I can't seem to avoid lately.
Over the next couple of months I saw him a couple of times (work functions and around school.) He was never alone when I saw him, and he did not talk to me much when I did. But last week I saw him outside my building. We exchanged hellos, talked about work stuff, and I told him how things were going with our new staff. I explained that the newer folks seemed a bit more reserved and introverted than my last staff and that it would take some getting used to. His suggestion? "Why don't you all get together and watch some dirty movies together." WTF???
At that point I just came out and asked, "what's with you and the creepy sexual comments? He avoided the questions with some stupid immature answer and rushed off.
I decided at that point that I was going to tell him that I did not appreciate the type of humor he was sharing with me. I went home and constructed a professional and sincere message that basically said, talk to me like this again and you are going to have problems you've never dreamed of. He responded;
"Thank you for your email. You are right; my humor was inappropriate and disrespectful. Please accept my sincere apology. I meant no disrespect and had no ill motives. I have let my language get too loose with people in general (not just with you), so I appreciate you being bold enough to call me out on it. It is a good rebuke that reminds me of the need to practice edifying speech. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. Please forgive me."
So here I am, already wounded by men who have taken turns disrespecting me with words, actions, and inconsideration and I am left with the question, "Please forgive me." I wrote out a simple email that said, "Thank you, and I forgive you" but I deleted it. Then I thought (as I often do when it comes to forgiveness) what does it mean to forgive, and who does it benefit?
In more recent years I've heard people say forgiveness is not for the person who has done wrong, it is for the person who has had the wrong done to them. In other words, you should forgive because it releases you from having bitterness, anger, or ill will towards a person who hurt you.
The more I think about it though, the more I realize that I am unsatisfied with that perspective of Forgiveness. Forgiving someone who has wronged you does have some benefit for the other person. Think about it, why else would we ourselves ask for forgiveness when we have wronged someone else? After all, don't we gain something when we ask God to forgive us???
So I continued to ponder. This guy acknowledges that he was being disrespectful and now he wants me to forgive him. But why? Is he suddenly remorseful? Does he now realize the err of his wrongs but did not see them as such when he was saying it? And should any of this factor in to my decision to forgive him?
I continue to ponder, only this time a little deeper. What exactly IS forgiveness in the first place? Is it an acknowledgment? a feeling? a state of mind? an action? a mixture of all of the above? I have heard and read so much about forgiveness but it still seems like a very abstract concept, and one that I am repeatedly expected to practice.
I once had a person tell me to flip the two words that make up the word forgive: give forth. For some reason I have liked this way of defining and conceptualizing forgiveness. There is an element of surrender involved that helps me understand that there is value in giving forth hurt feelings, bitterness, anger, etc. If I choose to give all of that away, I think it is logical to assume that I will better off for it.
Still more pondering. But to whom do I give forth all this stuff??? To the person who wronged me?-That kind of doesn't make sense to me. Why would I give my hurt feelings to him? To God? Well the whole God thing is rough terrain right now, so I don't know what to say there...which presents another problem. Is forgiveness possible if the forgiver doesn't believe in God??
Oy Vey...do you see why I am prematurely gray???
In the end, the comments this guy made didn't cause me to lose too much sleep...a fractured hope that there are more good men than bad out there who respect their wives maybe, but no amount of forgiveness in the world can repair that, sadly.
And since vengeance feels like ugliness in my soul, I couldn't bring myself to post the guy's name. What can I say, all talk, no action ;-.)
So these questions I continue to ponder. Let's ponder together shall we?
How do you define forgiveness?
How do you practice forgiveness?
How do you ask for forgivenss?
Who benefits from forgiveness?
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