I blog on two different sites. One is here, the other is on www.alphawoman.com. I began blogging on "Alpha" because in my current context, I have been too much of a coward to fully express my thoughts in arenas where I might be judged.
Background:
I am currently a seminary student pursuing a degree that would enable me to become a pastor/minister/chaplain, if I so choose. I entered this program because of an interest in helping restore spiritual brokenness in the lives of people who experienced violence and crime such as domestic/sexual abuse, and community violence. I also had a strong desire to address the issues of denial, as well as the perpetuation of spiritual, emotional, relational, and sexual abuse within faith communities or their inability to prevent or eliminate it.
In the midst of all of this I have been coming to terms with my own faith struggles, philosophical dilemmas, and spiritual identity crises and trying to juggle life as a single, head strong female with a very healthy sex drive. To say this road has not been easy is the understatement of 2008.
What I have noticed recently though, is that I segment my life and exist somewhat in a schizophrenic state most of the time because I can't find places where I can fully express all that goes on in this head of mine. In church and school settings, I often feel buried under a debilitating censorship of critical expression especially when it comes to gender issues and sexuality. In other realms, outside of church and seminary, I feel like topics of faith and spirituality are met with so much polarization and discomfort that they fall prey to "I believe what I believe, you believe what you believe, let's just leave it at that" kind of mentalities which for me, is just as mentally castrating.
Faith, spirituality, and issues relating to the divine are at the forefront of my mind all the time. I am always wondering what makes people believe what they believe, pray what they pray, and hope for things they can't see. I am also very interested in the spiritual element of our existence and how it related to who we are as sexual beings.
Even though all of these topics interest me I have steered clear of them as topics in the many blogs I hammer away at, and I am not sure why. It may be that since I write so much about those topics in my classes, I feel I need a break from it sometimes. Or maybe I just fear that the subject matter bores the bageesus out of most of the world. Who knows.
It's just that I have so many lingering questions and doubts that never seem to go away or find resolve.
On top of all of this, my own experiences of being hurt (understatement #2 of 2008) by people I should have been able to trust, throughout my entire life has had a profound affect on my ability to continue to believe in God (another taboo issue in a seminary environment.)
I believe that matters of the heart, faith, and spirituality exist in an interconnected, organic journey that are too sacred to keep bottled up and segmented! As a result, I am setting out on a new mission to Dissect the Divine fully, confidently, and unschizophrenically. I hope you read, engage, and wrestle with me. (I don't mean that last part literally.)
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